Finally

Have finally gotten new dose of Ritalin. I ran out on Monday and I was going to see the shrink but failed and went sailing with the girls on Piet's boat instead. Felt really guilty. Felt very panicked all week, kept forgetting and getting back to my way of life. Panicking about everything I had to do and ending up doing nothing. I am pretty sure it is very bad just to sto pand you do fall hard but its not like I have never dealt with this shit before. I feel much stronger!

Now took the first pill at 4pm, felt calm just about straight away. My shrink is quitting this week and now I have to make new appointment with new shrink, this time a psychologist, then have to meet with a shrink to keep on top of the Ritalin. I have been signed on to do the Linehan training but it is a 6 month waiting list! Might find something on the internet. I am starting to feel like I am going to give up. Feel like I am having to do everything alone, as soon as shrink asked why I feel like that I changed the subject as it seems I am not ready to open up to some one, feel weak to open up my feelings. I have shut them away for so long I find it really hard to even be truthfull to myself. It is like I have lost myself and also am lost to everyone and everything else. I feel Brendan is my love but at the same time ownder sometimes if it is that we are in love. I think that has to do with the fact that I don't believe I am worthy of love. I am having headaches now but this should pass away soon I hope. Need to get up at 8am tomorrow to take the first pill. I get so tired of thinking about everything. Too tired to scrawl at the moment.